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God’s Deliverance


I used to feel very uncomfortable going to a charismatic church and be around “very religious” people that speak in tongue. I avoided these people because I assumed that they’d either pressure me to do something I didn’t want to do, or they’d take one look at me and label me a bad Christian for not wanting to be a part of their particular beliefs. This was a very negative thought coming from me and me alone. This was my own feelings that my unhealthy mind created. My fear was so thick that I subconsciously avoided listening to God. When the Holy Spirit gave me the grace to see God, it was terrifying to me. I always run away and running the opposite direction from Him because my mind have trouble processing so then I would react in a flight-or-fight response and I become dissociated. It’s hard to explain the big meaningful interactions I’ve had with God. They tend to have a major you-had-to-be-there feel. I had a very hard time understanding it all. How can I possibly understand this when I am not in the right state of mind. People in the "right" state of mind barely understand this. 

People don't usually discuss spiritual encounters unless the person brings it up. It is a very personal thing. For a long time I couldn’t recall what really happened at Giver of Life. I finally have the strength to ask. 

I was told during one experience at Giver of Life I lost control was spinning on the ground and levitated up 3 inches from the ground that can be only explained as supernatural power. My eyes were closed but somehow I went towards the cross and held on tightly and burst into uncontrollable tears. When I opened my eyes I was laying on the floor with Pastor Selina. She held me and told me God loves me. 

I was told having another experience at Giver of Life I was running around the room, jumping on rows of chairs and crawled under chairs trying to escape, as if, I was being attacked. When I was blinded by a light that appeared from nowhere, I ran away. I couldn’t see with my eyes. I felt someone took over me. I was drifting in and out of consciousness. When I opened my eyes and I found myself on the floor I was so confused. Pastor Selina was there wiping away my tears. I saw people crying all around me. It was so awkward not knowing what just happened. They said they loved me and everything is okay. 

Another different experience at Giver of Life during service as I sat there I remember vaguely looking up at the ceiling I saw a brilliant bright light, I flipped out, and I ran away crawling under rows of chairs. People were trying to pulled me out from under the chair but I was strong enough to not release it. At that very moment I remember feeling an excruciating pain in my body. They said no one touched me as I rolled on the floor. I felt tortured by the pain and I cried so loud like I never cried before. 

I remember hearing a small voice inside telling me to “feel me, feel me.” Believe me or not, I know it was Jesus revealing his emotions in me, if that makes sense. I felt His pain because He want me to comprehend that no other pain is greater than the pain when He was dying on the cross for us. 

His purpose for me to be able to go beyond my own pains and be humble to empathize on a deeper level with people. One day I can help people who are in need for healing just like me. 

1 John 2:27
As for you, the anointing which you received from Him abides in you, and you have no need for anyone to teach you; but as His anointing teaches you about all things, and is true and is not a lie, and just as it has taught you, you abide in Him.

He put me in this particular place so I can be anointed by Him. How greatly I needed deliverance, and how I longed to be set free from the bondage. That is my problem. I don't want people to see me without control. I was ashamed and embarrassed to know people had witnessed me losing control at church. Then enemy is using that to take this moment away from me. 

I was introduced to Pastor Hien and we connected in a spiritual way. I shared my experiences with her. She confirmed what I felt was the Holy Spirit. God is with me. The Holy Spirit is in me. What the enemy had to break me...God intervened. God knows me very well so I was delivered by Him many times in different ways that he knows best for me. 

From the outside looking in, people can’t understand, but from the inside looking out, I am mentally healing. I can still feel the Holy Spirit even though my mind is not fully healthy yet. I’ve been told for the longest time I'm sick but I know the Holy Spirit is healing my mind.

God doesn’t delight in hurting His children. His wrath is not poured out on His beloved. He is full of mercy and compassion. And when we walk through the pains of death and trauma and our crippling imaginary concerns. He isn’t the enemy. He isn’t the aggressor. He’s the Comforter.

2 Cor. 1:3–5. 
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort. He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ overflow to us, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 

Life changed for me when I learned to understand the Word of God and not be overcome with my fears. I realized that though I can't fix myself, Jesus walked into this broken, sad, scary place to rescue, love, and cast out all fear. The Lord reassured me, that I am loved, not because I am good, but because He is good. I am scared, but He is good. I will focus on my new found enlightenment and let go of the part of me that wants to self-criticize. I am not in darkness anymore. 

Proverbs 1:33 
but whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease, without fear of harm. 

This is the Lord's promise to you about His willingness to free you from fear and to give you peace through faith in Him. But as I lay in bed, enveloped in the agony of my fear, I felt God reach in and brush it away effortlessly. God poured the truth of His Word into my soul. In those minutes that I didn’t run from His presence, the words I’d read and known and twisted into condemnation were clear. When the gospel made clear that God has already given me His own Son, I stopped being afraid of the “scary” situations that bring me close to Him.

I’m telling you this from the bottom of my heart what really matters for us to understand that seeing life in light of the cross will help you avoid fear, overcome fear when you can’t avoid it, and live beyond fear when you don’t overcome it. You don't have to be afraid. Have no fear. Have faith in God. 

“Dear God, in the comfort of your love, I lay before you the memories that haunt me, the anxieties that perplex me, the despair that frightens me, and my frustration at my inability to think clearly. Help me to discover your forgiveness in my memories and know your peace in my distress. Touch me, Lord, and fill me with your light and your hope. Amen.”

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My Testimony at Giver of Life



I have two mental illnesses — Bipolar Disorder 1 and Dissociative Identity Disorder. I was sick for a long time. I lost my mind and I have been living in darkness. Today, I can now think clearly as the symptoms from my illnesses have been managed by medications.

The last five years, I have been through the intensely high times. Every night, I reflect on the experiences that have shaped me. I am still healing slowly, and I know for a fact I did not do this all on my own. Much of who I am today can be attributed to God.

I've had several amazing experiences with Jesus but the turning point where He intervened and revealed himself to me for the first time was at Giver of Life church. I didn't know back then, but I know now that my journey to healing had begun from there. 

But since I have been diagnosed with mental illness, I felt torn believing the experiences I had were caused from the illness. Being stable now, I believe there is more to it. I accept the diagnosis but the diagnosis and my belief in God goes hand in hand. I believe there is more to these experiences than putting it down to mental illness. I’m still trying to figure out deep spiritual meanings of my experiences. It is not so much about is it real or imaginary. Even though there may be a mental health aspect to these experiences, the meaning an individual connects with that experience is what is most important. I believe in medicine and doctors, but now I strongly believe in divine healing.

John 1:1-5
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. 

I am mentality stronger because my mental clarity and focus have improved. I see lights that I can’t explain. I see bright white lights when my eyes are opened in the middle of the day and when I closed my eyes at night. It can linger and seem to appear out of nowhere. Anyway, I asked my doctor if this is psychosis and she said no. Usually whenever this happens I would have a flashback memory of a particular experience that I believe was spiritual as if it just happened yesterday. 

Like I remember the first time I saw the light was at Giver of Life, and I was terrified remembering that time I was so sick from my mental illnesses. I had three supernatural experiences there that I don't fully understand because I vaguely remember the details of what really happened to me. I had amnesia. Short-term memory loss that I forget things I heard, saw, or did during those times. All I remember was waking up and I was laying on the floor in tears. I stopped going to church because I keep getting triggered. 

When my memories slowly returned in bits and pieces, I interpreted it wrong when I tried to make sense of it all on my own. I was so consumed with my own emotions in which I reacted negatively and was oppressed by the darkness. I won’t let go. I had tunnel vision and couldn’t see anything beyond the unsettling misinterpretations that came from the madness of my own mind. I was so angry because I had so much fear. For the longest time I thought I was traumatized. 

2 Timothy 1:7
For God didn’t give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control. 

Now that I have more clarity, I’m not sick, I understand why every time I see lights it would take me back to my experiences at Giver of Life, as if, the angels are telling me I needed closure and reconciliation over the misunderstanding I held on for so long. Jesus want me to reconcile with Pastor Selina and make peace. I am finally obeying and that’s why I am here now. 

I am walking on a path to recovery but I have been plagued for a long time with a heaviness on my heart that robs my peace and joy. It weighs me down that I cannot accept any help from other Christians. A sense of oppression would descend upon me for no apparent reason. 

John 3:19-21
This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.

I keep seeing lights and I feel so conflicted whenever I see bright lights out of nowhere that comes and goes, always leaving me very emotional. 

Psalm 28:7
The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. 

I recalled a night even when I closed my eyes and saw what I can only describe as the brightest, most brilliant white light that I have ever experienced. I laid in bed as the light hovered above me. I was terrified. I wasn’t dreaming or hallucinating and I was not psychotic but I was so scared that as my heart pounded, I stopped breathing on purpose, hoping the light would stop or go away. As I continued to try to look into the light, to try and see what it was or where it was coming from; the image of a face so bright appeared. I didn't understand. I could not understand what was happening to me. Still terrified I looked into the light. It was Jesus looking into me as the light of His image floated and drifted, and at that moment when I realized it, I was overwhelmed with so many catastrophic emotions. My mind couldn’t comprehend it. I couldn’t sleep. When I got out of bed the next morning and there was normal daylight and it was just a regular day, I put the experience aside. I knew it happened; I knew I did not imagine it but I could not fit it into logical reasoning.

Another time I experienced lights radiating around me. I know I was seeing angels. The light was white and pure. It was the ultimate reality. Coming from the light was complete and perfect peace, love, forgiveness, and beauty. The love I felt, and everything else existing in this light, was so unselfish and pure. I knew it could only come from Jesus. The light was love because Jesus truly is love. Then I saw inside my chest. My chest looked like a pitch-black room with the lights turned out. I could see the outline of my heart how my heart was sitting in darkness. Yet, there was a beam of pure, white light bursting outward from a small piece of my heart like a ray of sunshine coming through a storm cloud. The light was filled with peace, love, and goodness. I knew Jesus was telling me that my heart was in darkness, and that if I only let a small piece of Him shine through, there could be so much unimaginable peace. He broke me down and gave me a new breath of life.

John 12:35-36
Then Jesus told them, “You are going to have light just a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, before darkness overtakes you. Whoever walks in the dark does not know where they are going. Believe in the light while you have the light, so that you may become children of light.” 

I told myself to stop questioning when I see God's light, I knew how wrong I had been. I know how much I had misunderstood Him. I know nothing bad could ever come from God and that He does everything for good with pure, everlasting love. The light of God is always there with me at every steps of the way, and whenever I see the light, it continue to change every moments in my life. He gave me the gift of clarity and allow me to let myself heal mentally from every trials he had put me through so I can completely believe in Him.  

Psalm 17:6
I call on you, my God, for you will answer me; turn your ear to me, and hear my prayers. 

“Heavenly Father, it is my will to surrender to you everything that I am and everything that I'm striving to be. In the blood of Jesus Christ that covers me, I demand all the bad spirits inside me to get out and I declare I am healing I will be no longer sick.”

“I open the deepest innermost feelings of my heart and invite Your Holy Spirit to dwell inside of me. I offer you my life, my heart, my mind, my body, my soul, and my spirit. I surrender to you my past, present, and future problems. I ask You to take hold over every aspect of my life. I surrender to You all my hurt, pain, worry, doubt, fear, and anxiety, and I ask You to wash me clean. Open my ears to hear Your voice. Silenced all other negative voices in my head. Open my heart to commune with You more deeply. Open the doors that need to be opened and close the doors that need to be closed. Please set my feet upon the straight and narrow path that leads to everlasting life.”

“I know that the first step in all spiritual healing is to believe. Oh Father God, I believe! I believe that healing is a dynamic and reachable experience, a reality that can be experienced right now. I maintain a patient and loving attitude, for I believe that your healing activity is now at work in my mind and body. I look forward to the perfect wholeness that you are now bringing into manifestation through me. I know that with you all things are possible.”

“Father, I’ll admit that I sometime pick at emotional scars. I replay what was done and how it was done. I don’t want to do that any longer. I want to get up off my emotional mat, get up, and walk in freedom. Today I forgive everyone for my past hurts and will no longer hold the offense against the offender. I also accept your forgiveness for my sin and will no longer live in shame and condemnation. In the name of Jesus, amen.”

I’ll close with saying one last thing. God loves us so much. Listen to Him. Listen with your heart, not with your mind. When God does a work in us, it’s for His glory.
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Oversharing



First, I apologize for this long-winded post, but for the life of me, I just can't tell a long story short. Or even a short story short for that matter.

I've been thinking about oversharing for days and I spoke to my psychologist asked why I always have the intense urge to over share. She said there will always be a bit of the manic over-achiever in me to share as much as I can to anyone and everyone because being MANIA is when it is always about me. It’s a part of being manic and there also evidence of a dissociative disorder is manifest makes me feel the need to reconcile the impossible. My psychologist do see it as existing on the same continuum as more problematic form of dissociation and that it is therefore a very normal, natural part of the way how my brain operate. Having BD and DID makes my case very complex. 

I want to reflect on what happened recently a response from a close friend got me very emotional but it was what I needed to be able to analyzed myself and realized disclosing too soon and too much can feel like a massive over share. This behavior is something I can’t see on my own during times like that because I’m either bipolar or dissociate. I’m grateful she brought this to my attention. 

When I’m feeling well, people don’t hear from me often. It was always the times when I’m not well, I reached out to everyone to talk my ass off or I’ll be writing like crazy about whatever it was. My psychiatrist said especially when I haven’t taken my medications I can suddenly have this symptom and this is when I always couldn’t stop talking to or texting with people because my racing thoughts wouldn’t quiet down or let me sleep. 

For me, oversharing is a huge issue. I know that my urge to over share is my mania symptom but it is also a dissociative symptoms because there are different Parts in me have the compulsion to "get everything out” this been problematic for me at times. And quite frankly, it's just not normal. I know that much. There are Parts in me give WAY too much of myself entirely too soon when self realization happens. And how and what my Parts and I share feels "pressured" to get out.

I'm not needy or clingy or anything like that but with people I'm already close to, I know I'm constantly reaching out to rant then apologizing for interrupting at the wrong time and the wrong place. But I really can't help myself at times. It's so impulsive, but at the same time, if I don't say or text what just popped into my mind, I may lose that thought. My thoughts race so fast I can't seem to keep up with them, I have to get it out right away without thinking twice. It’s compelling for me to tell you something that will always end up being so ridiculously long. I just couldn't get everything I needed to explain... in... And I always write right up until the very last minute, compulsively adding additional information along the way. 

 Then I get into an exhausting cycle of feeling like a jerk because I talk too much then feeling sad because I AM A JERK oversharing and wanting to overcorrect by smothering everyone but honest to God, this is something I can’t control and I feel even worse after all said and done. 

 I will never be able to say this enough - I am so incredibly grateful for everyone being on the receiving end of what my psychologist called is having a “bipolar conversation." In a mania or dissociative state of mind I always have this symptom.

I realize that my posts are quite a bit to take in at once, but like everything else, I'm really trying my best to work on that. I’m trying to be as transparent as I can. So my psychiatrist said being on the new injectable medication treatment I have more self awareness so when times the bipolar creeping in; I can catch myself and I can stop myself from talking too much. I will do my best to ride out the episode and once when I’m back in a normal state of mind then I can share it without going into a rampage from oversharing my bipolar experience. 

However, when the dissociation happens this is when I feel that I switch to another part of my personality which I refers to as my coping mechanism for all kinds of stress, not just traumatic stress. Dissociation is an entirely normal response to overwhelming situations for me mostly when I inadvertently overreact to something and, boom, another mood swing hits me and the nerve cells that are responsible for emotional regulation go out of whack, I switch, go into crisis-control mode, can’t hold back, go ranting, sometimes I have a hard time remembering and other times I have no memory. 

Having said that, DID and BD are connected because during low periods a submissive Part in me always have hesitation and go total radio silence but more frequently during high periods the Parts who is the Dominant and the other who is the Doctor are always so curious wanting to talk it out to get people’s perspective so one of them can analyze to appropriately tell whichever Parts in me that was affected by that particular experience to make the changes, if necessary. I have little or no control who comes out, or who is in control of my body. My body makes conscious decisions about what’s best for my safety and even the safety of my own mind. 

It is very odd I would come to my own self-realization every time after I sent the text messages asking my friends about something then I almost always right away have my own answer to that question that I asked them. But being able to go back rereading my text messages, it gets me out of the pattern of reacting to mood swings and into preventing them.

My psychologist said sharing my experiences is a great way to break the stigma of mental health conditions, it’s important to remember some people may become overwhelmed. But for many people, the urge to overshare at the wrong time and place leads to a bad experience, rejection and isolation. I am aware of this. I haven't encountered anything negative when I overshare but I do need to learn to stop it, if I could -- I would.

My only intention for people to understand more about what I have and the reality of it. I want to help others like me. I know telling my story might not be the idea right now especially if I wrote something and people misunderstood have their different point of view that I might not agree on worsening my mental health. But I can’t help to be very open when I’m writing or talking about my experiences. 

This sound very bizarre. It’s not me. Sometimes it’s the bipolar. Other times it’s the dissociative.
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About My Mental Illness


Perhaps, in retrospect, I shouldn’t have gone back looking at my birthday pictures and remembering about that night I look perfectly normal like everyone else. This tricked my brain in believing I am no longer sick feeling so much better and decided now is a good time for me return to work. I was so excited, but my doctors disagreed. I reacted very negative and felt helpless because I didn’t choose for myself that I can’t work. Wanting to go back to work. It gives me a sense of normalcy as well validating that I am okay. I am on the right path to recovery. However, it is not easy to sit back, let time heal me because during this process I always get focus on learning my triggers while stressing and overthinking on other things. I know you have your own stress and struggling with yourself too. God bless you for being so kind to me and even thru your own difficulties you still find time to put aside your own issues to read what I'm writing. 

Do you believe I’m constantly trying to figure out what a “normal” and “reasonable” thought process and reaction would be in any given situation? Is it normal I'm constantly trying to overcome how my bipolar brain naturally thinks? Do you do what I do constantly trying to deal with the extremeness of my thoughts internally, so I can maintain the normalcy of my behaviors externally? Believe me this is beyond difficult because sometimes I can't control myself when I strongly overreact and not in my right mind I unintentionally get caught up in all the bipolar stuff -- I will not sleep, I will write about what’s happening for hours, I will send irrational email, and I will not stop texting a barrage of irate messages to you.

Is it me? No, it’s the bipolar. I can't control it. Bipolar is very predictable. The bipolar behaviors and actions are always the same. The cycle doesn’t change -- this is the mental illness. I have to monitor myself or I become destructive. 

 You think I should stop fighting and stop trying to justify this vicious cycle because there’s no rhyme or reason to it and leave it to the specialist to “make sense’’ of it? I can make sense of my experiences a lot quicker than leaving it solely for my doctors to do. I'm taking charge to get faster results. I am very hard on myself to take ownership of my body, mind, and soul. 

 I am aware what I'm doing is insane and I know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and getting the same result, but expecting a different one to happen. I can't be put in a box. I'm still doing the same thing and the impossible is possible something different is happening right now and things are changing that I’m sure it has to do with the new injectable medication given to me by the psychiatrist in her office every two weeks. If I relapsed the best option next to do is to get myself checked into a psychiatric center. If it comes down to this — I’m very afraid. I don’t like to shelter my kids but I’m torn to tell them mommy need to be hospitalized because this will affect them greatly. 

In what sense do I need to get everyone to see what I see but maybe this is not what I need. All the way up to this point, everything is so exhausting and I’m so tired of pretending I’m normal. I feel like I have to completely shut down from all aspects, start over, and find my new happiness. 

I want you to know that you’re being on the receiving end of it all, and there when I need a sympathetic ear, encouragement, it does make me feel better. Sometimes I am reluctant to seek help because I don’t want to be a burden, so to have you reminding that you care and that you’ll do whatever you can to help, I am going to be okay. Aside from offering emotional support, the best way to help me with bipolar disorder is by encouraging and supporting treatment. Often, that can be more of a challenge than it sounds. I tend to lack insight into my condition, it’s not always easy to get me to a doctor. When I am manic, I feel great and don’t realize there’s a problem. When I am depressed, I may recognize something is wrong, but often lack the energy to seek help. I become unusually silent, very quiet, and withdrawn. 

Also, please don’t take my bipolar symptoms personally. When in the midst of a bipolar episode, I often say, texting nonstop, or do things that are bizarre, hurtful or embarrassing. When manic, I may be reckless, cruel, critical, aggressive, talk fast making everything all about me, and oversharing. When depressed, I may be super paranoid, irritable, hostile, and moody. It’s hard not to take such behaviors personally, but try to remember that they’re symptoms of my mental illness, not the result of selfishness or immaturity or being a drama queen. 

Why I'm trying too hard to prove something to myself? Because I simply think there's nothing wrong trying to prove that I am right and I am not insane. I'm feeling more confident and I found clarity to believe that these changes I’m experiencing only I can make sense of it. When I’m feeling well there is nothing more important for me to do than dwell on this. I feel so overcome with the sense of realization of my true self is evolving in different ways, it compel me to dig deeper breaking these illusions I convinced myself with. 

Can I share something else with you what is standing in my way of recovery? I’m being touched by the Holy Spirit. 

But the fact of the matter is that my own mind is closed, resistant to alternative explanations. I create RESISTANCE in my mind because I have lots of questions, and my questions seemed to be forcing me to chose one side or the other -- either spirituality or psychiatry. If I'm honest with myself, a major sign of my mania is increased spirituality, but at the same time, a major sign of my depression is a lack of spiritual significance. Finding balance in recovery will take more than medication, it means that I am able to seek both spiritual and clinical solutions to my bipolar symptoms without uncertainty, fear, and judgement.

 I know God wants me to let go but it will take me awhile to integrate both truths and find some peace around my manic episodes. In this sense, mania was indeed a spiritual experience, although an unmanageable one.This didn't mean my bipolar diagnosis was bogus, and I'm not saying all psychotic episodes are spiritual. But I do feel it is more easy telling you that my experiences were both spiritual and bipolar. 

 It is imperative I must continue to learn the triggers and know what caused it; for me to believe I can change, find answers to my own questions, get that doubt out of me, feeling no more frustrated, stop myself from being extremely guilty, and be content knowing that God loves me and he has the power to heal. To assert is not to prove. Dogma is not proof. 

I hope that by sharing my story, you and others going through the same or similar difficulties might not take so long to make sense of your own experiences. I realized now it is time to question my assumptions and be frank about it. I’m speaking to you to open myself up to new ways of looking at the world. In order to acquire new information, you and I needed to become open-minded and have a dialogue about stigma of the spiritual experiences and the difference between mental illness and enlightenment. Talking to you, it may offer an alternative explanation for me not satisfied by medical explanations. 
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Hyper-Religiosity is a Part of Mania

I read about hyper-religiosity is a part of mania. 

 The writer of this article speak to people about his manic and psychotic episodes which have all included feelings of understanding and knowing God and noticing an unquestionable faith, a faith that is more difficult to maintain when he is stable. At the most extreme of these experiences was the time that he actually thought that he was touched by Jesus, followed by his manic and psychotic mind taking the delusion even further into believing that he was seeing angels. An enormous amount of information flooded his brain as he seemed to take on supernatural powers, acquiring knowledge that he believed was flowing from other dimensions that “normal” people are unable to detect. However, now experiencing stability, he don’t have all of that false information. I'm astounded after reading this. It was exactly how I used to feel, think, say, and madly wrote about it.

 Right now I feel different. I don't have the urge to write because I have no racing thoughts. I'm not reading the bible like there is no tomorrow and writing about it. I feel much slower than I normally feel. I asked myself if this is how being balance feel. I'm not caught up with thoughts of God or write nonstop about spiritual experiences and I'm not seeing bright lights I believe are angels. 

 I went back reading all my past blog and realized I was so religious and maybe I was off when I wrote all that. I think I was manic when I was writing most of it. I find it difficult to maintain my extreme thoughts about faith when I am feeling somewhat stable. I think the medications, lithium and zyprexa, is suppressing the bipolar symptoms because I don't feel manic or psychotic. I am not being overwhelmed with religious thoughts and feelings. My energy at this level is new to me. I sit at my desk in my room wondering what is happening. I'm so weirded out. I'm trying to not overthink this. Now experiencing a little stability, it's like I lost my third eye. I don't have all of that false religious information. My mind is not going on and on about the past experiences. My head is not overloaded with so much things, it feels nice. I have no doubt about everything I wrote on my blog are the truth how I felt and believe at that time. Whether it was real or if it was my imagination -- it doesn't matter. I feel I have evolved and my perspective always changes for the better. I can now differentiate what I write when I'm well and when I'm unwell.
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Taking Care of Bipolar Disorder in the Present

It took me a long time to really come to terms with bipolar disorder. I kept hoping it would just go away. I know I was super hard on myself for years because I couldn't seem to get my act together. It was a loss to realize that this is my life. It's not going to go away. I learn to manage it. For a long time I would wake up in the morning and think, oh my god, I have bipolar disorder. Nothing will ever get better. But it does get better. Year after year and month after month I manage my symptoms more successfully, and each time is better than the last. My depressions are much shorter now and as long as I stay on my meds and watch my lifestyle I don't get too manic. I still can't be regulate to consistently sleep every night and I get hypomania but it's not severe. This is something my doctor and I are currently working on. My medication got adjusted. I am now taking Lithium with Zyprexa. My doctor suggested to put me on Zyprexa injections to lessen the stress for me of having to remember to take a pill every day and I will have the correct dosage of medication in my system.

Learning to live with a serious lifelong illness takes so much adjustment. I have to look at my life differently than I expected. The brain I thought would be there when I need it often malfunctions and wrecks my life. The body I thought would take care of me gets sick easily. I have been blogging to let people know what a challenge and burden it is to live with this illness every day. I have come to terms with the reality of this illness so that I can move forward in health and joy. Talking about the feelings I have surrounding my diagnosis is a positive first step in learning to live with bipolar disorder without it taking over my life. I have the ability to take charge of bipolar disorder. I can't do it with medications only, and I can't do it alone. I will never forget that I am the one who lives with the illness. I will keep myself well enough to have a clear enough brain to make my own decisions. I have a system in place to take care of me when my brain isn't well enough to take care of me.

Life is good now. I'm a good mother. I'm better. So much better than before I was diagnosed. I accept where I am today. I still get this twinge of hope that it's all a dream, but I find that the more I live in the reality of the fact that I have a mental illness, the more proud I am of my considerable accomplishment of staying alive and creating a really good life. It really is about the choices I make when I am well. The more prevention I can do during the stable times, the more able I will be to recognize, treat, and end the mood swings before they go too far. 
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The Mind-Body Disconnect

I'm on a path to learn and understand the connection between mind and body; movement and mental health. There is a disconnect and a disembodiment that is happening right now. I got to see in this picture of my injured arm that is still healing. Doctor advised against exercise and encouraged me to move my arm around but stay away from weights for another 6-8 weeks. I can lift my arm above my head to show good progression.

When I have to retell the story of how I injured myself they all cringed but laughed with me. I was training at Club Sport in the Power Spartan class. We were doing box jumping obstacle. I jumped on top of the box, lost my balance, fell backwards and dislocated the elbow bone. My arm looked very deformed. It was bad enough to call the ambulance to the gym and took me to the ER. I arrived at the hospital and my condition worsen. I couldn't move my fingers and it was turning black. They had to act fast because there were no circulation to my fingers. Without hesitation the doctor and nurse took a hold of my arm and snapped the bone back in the socket. Immediately, my condition improved! They didn't have time to sedate me so I was awake when they performed that procedure. I didn't even cry but I'm not gonna lie -- it was extremely painful!

I think it is funny that I blog about the time I did the Spartan Sprint Race without any training and jumped down from the 12 feet wall not breaking any bone. I'm still proud of it but look at me now, it was ironic how I got injured from jumping on a 3 feet box! I can't go back to the gym to train anytime soon so I won't be ready for the Spartan Beast Race in September. I'm so bummed. I learned a lesson not to feel invincible and tough when physically I'm not. Maybe I was too ambitious and cocky thinking I'm so super I could do anything by taking the Power Spartan class. The class was hard like CrossFit. I got injured. My mind should have listen to my body to train by taking it slow.

I can't do physical practices like yoga, running, weight training, practices designed to enhance the mind-body connection. These mind-body based exercises are an opportunity to become more embodied. I have been disembodiment for a long time this is the best time to learn about embodied.

So, how do I become more embodied?

These are the steps I'm taking. I have to bring awareness to my body. I tried to practice noticing sensations and feelings in my body. Notice how my thoughts and emotions affect my physical being. Get in touch with my breath. I always forget to breathe sometimes. Breathing is the number one way to start becoming more aware of my body, how it feels, how it regulates energy, and how it increase capacity to cope and manage stress. I need to pay attention to myself to make sure breathing correctly. I learn about move your body to move your mind. I started to think all the ways I can move my body outside of exercise and physical activity; maintain good posture, talking, standing, sitting, blinking, breathing, etc. If I am stuck emotionally, I urge myself to consider how moving my body can literally move my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

Having said that, let me pray for healing.

- -

Dear Heavenly Father, 

I hurt my arm when I was training at the gym. My Lord, I am very grateful my situation is only temporary and that I know others are not always so lucky. Thank you Father God, I had progressed well, I thought I was cleared already when walking around the house without the sling then my arm started hurting and feeling sore. I’m back wearing the sling to be safe not to dislocate my arm again. I’m so anxious to heal then, my God, I stopped and thought about you. My healings is in your hand. I hear you telling me to be patience. If I’m not careful and let the enemy overcome me, I can hurt myself again by being reckless forcing my recovery. I could be on the verge of being sent down a dark, surgical path with extensive rehab but no that never happen because I’m lucky I didn’t broke my bone. I’m praying for you to heal my arm and thank you for your everlasting blessings.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen. 


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My Kids Everlasting Love


I wake up every morning thank God for giving me such wonderful kids. They listen to me and do what they ask. For the past years they struggle and dealt with my mental illness but it seemed that was the way I could inspire Nathan 21, Darin 17, Dylan 15, and Evelyn Skye 8, to action taking care of themselves and each other on days when I can't function. My kids understand I need to know that they love and accept me unconditionally. They don't feel awkward about saying "I love you." I tell them all the time. The love from them is healing but I would feel I don't deserve it. They need a strong mom, not a crazy sick mom. I love them so much for not letting my illness damaged them. They truly understand and allow me to expressed how I feel...the ups and downs. They saw it all.  

Darin said, "Regardless you are our mom and will always be our mom. You took care of us all these years and now it is our turn to take care of you, so just relax. Love you"

Nathan said, "Everyone is crazy, mom. You are different but you need to let go and don't try to control something beyond your control. We understand you have a mental illness but so what. It doesn't change you as a mom. You are strong and once you get it, you will be way better than ever. Chill out, mom. We love you and seeing you go through your trials and errors made us stronger."

Dylan said, "You will be okay, mom. I know you are sick. You can talk to me. I'm here for you. We can take care of ourselves. Stop worrying. We love you."

Evelyn Skye said, "Mom, you have a big balloon inside your head. It is filled with a lot of emotions. You need to pop it, let everything come out. I know you love me. I love you, too."

I show my kids that they have my full attention and I care enough to listen to them. I believe that the goal of parenting isn't to shelter our children. The WAY we talk to our kids has a significant impact on their learning and ability to listen to us. We need to have open communication. 

I talk very openly to my children about living with mental illness and how I'm learning to manage the symptoms. They experienced the mania, the depression, and the psychotic sides of my illness. They don't see me as a sick mom. I'm normal to them. 

Today is a huge difference compare to a couple years ago. I've realized just how much the parent-child relationship affects their development, both emotionally and mentally. My relationship with my kids are stronger ever since I quit my job and stayed home. I'm lucky to have this precious time with them. It's not about me. It's about laying a good foundation for my children. 

My purpose in life are my children and I must work harder to be well for them.


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Love From My Mom

Dear Mom,

I always have the hardest time putting my feelings for you into words. We have our differences...sometimes you even make me want to scream; but it is only because you are challenging my thoughts and opinions, giving me tough love, pushing me to be a better person. This bond is forever binding us together. No matter the time, you are always there for me whenever I call. My kids lives are so much richer with you teasing and kidding them. All laughs aside, you are their supporters, just like you were (and still are) for me and my brothers. Thank you for accepting us, helping us, and teaching us.

Look how BEAUTIFUL you are in this picture! I love this picture of you and Evelyn Skye.





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Doubt in God




Many times I’m in such a state of doubt about God, I feel like there is clearly something very wrong with me. Maybe I’m not smart enough. Maybe I’m a faker. Maybe I haven’t memorized enough bible verses. Maybe I need to go to church more often. Whatever it is, I’m doing something wrong. It’s all my fault. Sometimes I question myself for what I’m doing and hope God forgive me for doubt in Him.

However, there is no criticism when we doubts faith. Doubting one’s faith in God is a very tough place to be. Faith in God is what keeps it all together when we are facing one of life’s many challenges things. Sometimes things happen in my lives, it may be one big catastrophe or a line of smaller things that pile up and I start having a lot of doubts. So I feel my faith in God slipping away and it is unsettling, disorienting, and frightening. 

Doubt is a spiritual destructive force that tears you away from God, right? WRONG. There is a benefit of doubts.

I remember mentally sitting in the dark room alone then I felt a powerful supernatural force blasted thru. Ray of lights surrounded me and the light pulled me out from my world. I snapped back to reality. 

Doubts tears down the castle walls I built, God did this to force me on a journey. I go thru a period of doubt that has value to move me further on in the journey, even when I feel like I have left the path altogether. It felt like God is far away or absent when in fact doubt is a gift of God to move me to spiritual maturity. Doubt is not a sign of weakness but a sign of growth. 

Doubting God is painful and frightening because I think I’m leaving God behind, but I only leaving behind the idea of God I like to surround myself with-the small God, the God I control, the God who agrees with me. Doubt forces me to look at WHO I THINK GOD IS. He want me to die constantly. Doubt is experienced as distance from God. Doubt signals that I am in the process of dying to myself and to my ideas about God. 

Jesus says, “take up your cross and lose your life so you can find it” Paul talks about being crucified with Christ, “I no longer live, Christ lives in me”

When we are in doubt, we are in a period of transformation. I learn to don't run away from doubt. Don’t fight it. Don’t think of it as the enemy. Pass through it— patiently, honesty, and courageously. Welcome it as a gift which is hard to do if my entire universe is falling down around me. God is teaching me to trust him, not ourselves. It means to have all of us, not just the surface, going to church, volunteering part. Not just the part people see, but the part no one sees. 

I read about the experience of deep doubt is sometimes referred to as the “dark night of the soul.” The dark night is a sense of painful alienation and distance from God that causes distress, anxiety, discouragement, despair, and depression. This dark night is a special sign of God’s presence. Our false god is being stripped away, and we are left empty before God with none of the familiar ideas of God that we create to prop us up.

The dark night takes away the background noise we have created in our lives in order to prepare us to hear God’s voice later on in time, when God deems we are ready. The spirit of Christ is who sets us free. God is always in control of all things...moving through all these events to reveal the truth. 

Throughout my journey I tried to piece everything together and make sense of it all. When I can’t stop thinking about the person that hurt me, I can get obsessed. I need to check in with the Lord and pray. God is our salvation. He is in control not me. God’s will is always good.

I’m not afraid anymore of receiving healing. I’m open to hearing more teaching so I can grow in my faith and learn more of God's words. I have to give glory to God. 
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